It’s been three years since I’ve had a space to publicly write my thoughts and feelings down. Don’t get me started on what that feels like to have not been posting. Let’s just say the space between then and now has allowed me to grow, break down, build up, learn & shift priorities.

I am currently in USA visiting my family and honestly…getting my shit together.

Recently, I’ve been overwhelmed with feelings of gratitude, fear, anxiety, love, reflection and vulnerability. My life is still in Chiang Mai; however after 2019 brought some losses in the form of getting fired from TWO different jobs back to back, an introduction to depression, spikes in social anxiety, life-confusion and general loneliness, I realized that it was time to cut my losses and re-group.

My mom so graciously paid for my flights back to the States with the caveat that I must pay for my flights back if I wanted to return to Thailand. At the time, I was so desperate to be close to my family and get some cuddles, to be cared for, to be safe; that I agreed; thinking it would be super easy to make the money to return to my chosen home.

Yet here I am, still in America, broke, panicked, and longing for the life I left behind earlier this month. Losing two jobs back to back for reasons that make my stomach queasy and my blood boil has been something I’ve tried to heal from. Prior to flying to USA, I stayed 16 days at a Buddhist Temple (I stayed there last year for 10 days) and I was able to get closer to letting go of a LOT of PAIN that I had accumulated from the past year. Choosing to drop out of society for 16 days and focus on healing was the best thing for me at the time and it helped me return to USA without AS much baggage.

Where am I now? I am on a path where I realize that at 28; I’m not living my best life. I’m floating. I’m unsure. Paralyzed by uncertainty for which direction I should go. Since having some ‘thinking’ time here in Maryland where my family lives; I’ve realized that my life abroad has brought me such joy, growth, empowerment and know-how….but it has also brought such deep pain that I’m still working through.

I have never seen a Doctor for mental illness, but I know I am suffering. Going to the grocery store with my dad or leaving the house while I’m here causes me such an emotional hangover that I find myself needing to lay down and put headphones on for hours after.

Thinking about looking at the prices for flights back to Chiang Mai makes my heart race and my pulse is currently feeling like a kick-drum. Little things that I was once confident in doing have become a harder ask for myself.

And why? I don’t know. I just know I am doing the best I can. My coping mechanisms that I have in the privacy of my life in Chiang Mai are not available to me here. I am sharing space with my family instead of having the privacy to weep and stress and cope in privacy. What an adjustment.

This may seem intense (well…it is…) but I am optimistic. I am thinking of ways to overcome these panic spells. I am looking for remote work. For opportunities. For financial independence. For freedom.

I know re-launching my site and this space for blogging is the first step.

After the first step, will come another. And then another. And soon I’ll be moving forward out of this space of feeling powerless to the forces around me.

While reflecting on what I wanted to share with you; I found some photos from a hike I took with a dear friend named Tsion back in Chiang Mai, as well as a recent photo taken at my mom’s pyjama-themed birthday party. I want to share these because I have such gratitude for the nature, connections, opportunities in my Thai-life; and I also have such love and gratitude for my family here in USA. I had several days here where I just cried uncontrollably thinking of how much I have missed my family these past 6 years of living abroad, as well as wept for the friends I have left behind for the unforeseeable future as I figure out how to return home.

Dare I say I felt guilt for being away for so long? Looking at my beautiful parents and seeing their age, their faces change, the lines deepen, the greys spreading, their bodies changing. Oh boy this visit has been tricky. My emotions don’t understand what I’ve exposed them to.

But I’ve never ran away from my emotions. Let the tears fall. Let the confusion stir. Let my pulse race. I’m alive and sometimes this is just what comes with the path I’m on.

No I am not engaged or married, no, I don’t have kids, no I don’t have a 401K, no, I don’t have a 5-year plan. No, I don’t know how long I’ll continue to live abroad. I don’t have the answers for you. I don’t have the answers for myself. Not right now. Can you be okay with this?

If so, then I will be okay with being in this transitional phase too. I will use this space to create a plan for me. Not for you, but for me. For this particularly unique life I’ve chosen. We don’t always need answers.

I’m safe, I’m raw, I’m warm, I’m with my family and I am lost. I am a mixed bag and that’s my honest truth.

Here’s to those who are figuring it all out. Here’s to those who have gotten lost, but have not lost their will to recover. Here’s to my anxious loves. Here’s to my family. Here’s to my friends. Here’s to gratitude; when that’s the only thing you really have to offer.

I’m excited to share more of this journey with you, and get a little bit more vulnerable in the process.

Until next time; light and Love,

-DW