One More Sleep Till Christmas

It's Christmas in Thailand. And oh what mixed emotions this churns up for me. I am away from family, away from the friends who truly know me and away from the feeling of togetherness that has always made this holiday seem concrete. Yet here I am, full of love, full of holiday cheer and full of reflections on this past year. 

My dad sent me an email with clips from my two ABSOLUTE favorite holiday movies, "A Muppet's Christmas Carol" and "It's A Wonderful Life". As I watched the clips, warm tears fell down my cheeks and this surprised me. I was happy to know that he knew me so well as to send me exactly what I needed. A wee reminder of what holiday traditions we shared. These hints of connectedness are the only things I have to keep me grounded during the space away from my loved ones. These little emails, these glimpses of my past life, these overt expressions of love; I soak these in. Appreciate every warm morsel. 

Although difficult at times, I needed this time away from the life I once knew in order to become the woman I am today. I feel that my love for those that are not with me has grown deeper, stronger, more fiery than ever. I fear that I have taken some relationships for granted in the past and this chapter has been a blessing for what it has taught me.

This holiday season I carry each and every one of my dear friends and family with me. Sending my love to your soul. Thank you for influencing the woman I am today and for understanding the path I had to take. This time of year has always been one of reflection for me. And this year is no different. 

For those of you in arms reach of your kids, parents, grandparents, family, friends, significant others; may you reach out with open arms and open hearts to pull them in close and show them what they mean to you. 

I look forward to celebrating this Christmas cooking vegan food and drinks with my new friends and Thai family, and I'm thankful for the opportunity to experience this holiday on a new continent with new customs.

I'm sending you all my love and Thailand warmth. May this holiday season bring you to your place of Zion.

-DW xx

25 Revolutions Around Our Sun...and I'm Not Dizzy Yet.

So on this day, the 29th of November 2016, I have come to a point of pure bliss.

I can't explain the feeling of electricity. the buzz. the energy. the aura of something in the works.

I have reflected on what it means to me to hit 25; in a new country, single, with a job I never thought I'd be qualified to do, surrounded by people I didn't even know a few weeks ago, living in a lodge just a stones throw away from two bordering countries.

And here I am. Possibly the happiest I've ever been in my entire life. This happiness comes from an acceptance of things I cannot change and a drive to alter the things that I can. I am more rooted in my beliefs of compassion. More trusting in my ability to love whole heartedly. More forgiving towards my inner being. and more willing to let change into my life with open arms.

I spent last night sleepless. I dreamt...and I have a vague feeling I know who about, but I awoke with no real recollections.

I was running late of course. Drenched in sweat from my rocky dreams.

After a quick shower and a fluff of my hair, I ran out my door to find Elena--my coworker and fellow lodge resident--holding a gift and card for me. 

"Happy Birthday Dear Dalyce" she said in her endearing Russian accent.

I gave her a hug--this was the first one I'd had in a while I realized...--and opened the chickpea chocolate sweets. AMAZING!

Pat my Landlord wished me Happy Birthday with a big smile on his face and then Elena and I were off to the races to take our routine walk to school.

Everything looked beautiful today. the sun glowed orange between the spaces of the green leaves. The low hanging mountain fog cast a white twinkle in the distance.

Everyone looked happier. Or was I delirious?

School was amazing. I was greeted by my coworkers with 'Happy Birthdays' gifts of incense and friendly faces.

I taught my first two classes.

Lots of laughter. Lots of Thai words. Sporadic English explanations. Board Games. Talks of Sports.

Then my break. Hugh and I escaped to the Park and had a quiet moment on our spot at the benches. I blabbered on about receiving my Birthday emails, enlightenment, where I feel I belong, returning to Belfast, excitement for my upcoming weekend trip back to Pai....etc.

He listened. What a trooper.

We headed back in for our next round of classes.

Three in a row. The kids had me rolling. I love laughing with them because the room erupts. At one point a cookie was launched across the room and hit me in the stomach. I tried to come off as stern...but it was impossible. We all laughed some more.

A mini dance party broke out amidst the sports lesson game we were playing. I couldn't resist. I grinned from ear to ear.

"Teacher!! You like?" said an eager student as he gyrated his way out of the classroom.

I squealed with laughter. What a circus.

I thought when I was younger that by 25 I would have my own kids. I would be working a 9-5 and that I would be changing the world.

well I have over 400 kids now. I work 7am-4:30pm, and I feel like I have changed MY world. Not too shabby.

I have learned that dreaming is what I do. Making those dreams a reality is even better.

Being unapologetically me is more than okay. It's actually really lovely.

Loving others--even those I don't know that well--has made my heart happy. I will continue to do so.

My value and worth is not in the hands of others.

I am stronger than the pains of my past. And invincible BECAUSE of them.

My Veganism is my ethos. I wake up yearning for this. It is my beacon. It is the only thing in this world that makes sense to me. I am beyond okay with this. I no longer have the time for those who are uncomfortable by this.

I no longer have the time for chasing your love. I will work for it and I will fight to retain it...but I will not chase your approval. Your validations. Your idea of "unconditional". As soon as I feel the inequality of what you think is love; I will re-evaluate what I'm doing.

I feel like a warrior because of this last revelation. 

No longer will I apologize for my passions. 

Where my soul wants to go; I will listen. I will follow.

And I will know when to ask for help. And to listen to the advice of others.

I won't always take it though.

And on this day, in this hour, at this very moment; I feel full.

I feel blessed from the lives I've been in orbit with. I feel blessed for the journey I have walked on. And I feel eager for the lessons around the next bend.

Of all the lives I've ever lived; this is by far my favorite. So I must be doing SOMETHING right.

Goodnight from my spot in Mae Sai and sweet dreams wherever your head next rests,

-DW

 

Where have you been? I've been living.

Mae Sot

On our last day in Mae Sot, Edie and I traveled tot he Mae Tao Clinic (A clinic run by volunteers and Doctors from Myanmar which specialized in helping and rehoming many refugees from over the border in Myanmar) and we wanted to speak to the staff and some patients about their experiences working with the clinic. 

Edie did most of the talking and I followed quietly behind snapping and absorbing the sights around me. The clinic was in a secluded area that was really hard to reach and within the walls of this clinic, a "mini village" was bustling. Kids ran around, large palm trees shaded the elderly, and the nurses and doctors worked diligently for hours on end.

I was amazed at the amount of love and tenacity that radiated off of these volunteer workers. Every life in the clinic mattered and their status from Myanmar was not held against them in this place in Thailand like it would have been outside of the walls.

My favorite unit in the clinic was the pediatrics. I saw beautiful children and their mothers waiting treatment, babies that had just been born, rays of hope for worried parents. Edie and I were led into a small room with incubators. 

"These babies are premies. They are twins. They were born earlier this week." Said our guide.

They were the smallest human beings I had ever seen. Like porcelain dolls. Beautiful. Fragile. Healthy; just tiny. I wanted to take a photo but I couldn't bring myself to it. I just stood and watched silently, hand on the incubator.  Wondering what the lives of these pure human beings would look like in the coming years.

After a long morning of chatting and photographing, Edie and I thanked the staff for the eye-opening experience and left the clinic so we could catch our bus to Chiang Mai.

Chiang Mai

The bus ride to Chiang Mai was a long one. I was excited that I was getting closer and closer to my final stop where I would be living in Mae Sai.

Edie had lived in Chiang Mai for a few weeks earlier in the year when she did a journalism internship on her spring break. So she knew where all the hot spots were for Vegan food and delicious cocktails!

We dropped our things off at Hug Hostel and Edie went for a run while I went for a 2 hour long Thai Massage. It was my first one. I entered a large room with pallets lined neatly on the floor. I was given brown pajama-like scrubs to put on and then escorted to a pallet on the floor. 

The woman took me to a place of complete relaxation. I had forgotten how heavy my bags were and how raw my shoulders had become.

After 2 hours, I stepped back into the streets of Chiang Mai, a new woman.

Edie and I decided on dinner with a few other women from the hostel and we made our way to Bamboo Bee Vegetarian restaurant. To call this place a "restaurant" is a bit of an over statement, it was more like a bamboo hutch nestled in a nook in an alley wall, but the food there was divine!! Only one woman was working there, and she whipped up our food and drinks in record time. There wasn't an unhappy belly in the bunch!

Edie and I split off from the group and headed to Zoe Yellow bar for some late night cocktails before heading back to the hostel to sleep. We only had two days in Chiang Mai before making the trek to Pai, Thailand. The rest of our time in Chiang Mai was filled with more Vegan food, more bonding, used book store exploring and more booze. It was a good 2 days.

Pai

Pai isn't a place, it's a state of being. Or at least that's what I took away from the trip to zion. I've never been to a place like Pai before and it has been by far my favorite place in Thailand. Edie and I arrived at our hostel Spicy Pai and were immediately taken aback byt he beauty of the bamboo structure with mosquito nets. I have always wanted to live in a tree house and this was pretty close! There were no full walls or A/C...we were out in nature and the cool mountain breeze made the mosquito netting billow in a dreamy way. There were muddy fields of tall grass that surrounded our hostel and all you could see was mountain and low clouds. Golden streaks of sunlight pierced the cotton clouds. 

It could make you weap.

Our first night in Pai, Edie and I found some food at a street market and bought some items. I only bought one thing in Pai; a pair of striped overalls that were handmade from a heavy tarp like fabric. They called to me.

We made our way back to the bamboo hostel and made plans to wake up early and rent motorbikes so that we could visit some hot springs in the morning.

The next day we set off on our adventure. Just us and the road. I couldn't help myself from speeding along, it had been so long since I had been on a bike and all those lessons in Belfast paid off because it felt like second nature. 

We found the hot springs but it was too hot to get in. There were literal eggs that people had tossed into the boiling water to watch cook. And they did. In a matter of seconds. We ran into a group of guys who we had seen a few hours back in Pai at a gas station and they were headed to a waterfall. They asked if we wanted to join and of course we did, so after some introductions and a few goofy photos, we all set off in our motorbike gang to the waterfalls.

The Falls were gorgeous. I stripped off without thinking and jumped in. No one else was swimming. I love water. I cannot explain to you what healing and energy I feel from queen H20. Eventually the gang joined me and we laughed at what could possibly be swimming in the waterfall pool with us below the surface. 

Lukas and Tom; two guys from the group wanted to slide down the falls. What a great idea! Edie was too nervous so she stayed behind and said she would take pictures. Me and the lads climbed the rockface in our skimpies until we reached the top. The rock was slick from all the water that had smoothed it out. Like a natural waterslide. I jumped into the flowing water and slid fast like a bullet down into the pool below. A squeal burst through my lips. We spent a few hours at the falls until the sun began to set.

Back on the bikes, back to Pai. Later that night Edie and I met up with the guys from earlier and we met them for rounds of drinks at a few of the local bars. A few games of pool later and well past our bed times, Edie and I headed back to the bamboo haven.

The next day, we got back in a bus and headed back to Chiang Mai where Edie was catching a flight back to Bangkok for an interview and I was catching a 5 hour bus to my new home in Mae Sai. We hugged and said sweet departures as we separated. I was going to miss the companionship and the beautiful conversation. But I was ready for my new chapter.

Mae Sai

Where do I begin with my new town? I arrived to Mae Sai late at night after the bus ride from Chiang Mai. The bus terminal had a few people there who drove sontow's (red trucks thatyou climb into and use as a taxi) but no one could understand where I needed to go. I used the remaining 2% of my phone battery to pull up the phone number of the Mae Sai Holic Lodge where I was booked to stay and someone made a call for me before my phone died. 

A black truck pulled up ten minutes later and I climbed in. His name was Pat. The owner of the lodge. We talked a little bit and he asked me where I came from. What a loaded question.

My first few nights at the lodge were amazing. I had a private room with a bathtub and A/C. I liked it here. My agent contacted me and said someone could swing by and pick me up to show me an apartment complex. I went with him to see the apartment and I hated it. There was no kitchen, I had to pay for laundry and it was basically one room with a shower and bed. 

Pat agreed to let me stay at the lodge for my time in Thailand after I told him the story. So this is where I live now. The Mae Sai Holic lodge. Room 6. A kitchen at my disposal, A/C, a courtyard to watch the stars at night and an influx of people from all over the world that come and go.

Pat and I grow closer each day and I've met his brother, Sister in Law, Mother in Law, wife and son so far. For Loykrathong festival on Nov 14th, his sister in law and wife helped me make my very own Krathong (flower boat made from a banana tree and leaves) to float in the river. We all set off lanterns that sailed away into the black sky above. The full moon was illuminated by the twinklings of paper lanterns that sailed from Myanmar and the surrounding areas in Thailand. It was unreal.

I have made friends with my work colleagues. Hugh and I sit next to eachother in the foreign language office and spend most of our time laughing. We have explored Mae sai a bit together and it's nice to have a buddy to do these things with. Elena is from Russia and she lives at the lodge with me. We walk to school every morning at 7am in the whispy fog that sinks down from the mountainside. 

Being a teacher is an amazing experience. I have over 400 students and classes of 45/50 kids at a time. I thought it would be the ultimate form of birth control to be working with so many kids all the time...but I want my own now more than ever. The kids are like dreamy sponges. Filled with love and laughter. They teach me Thai and I teach them English. Both sides struggling to be understood. But we make due.

I will have to fill you in about my teaching life more in depth later. I have a 6am start and sleep is a virtue.

Apologies for the long delays. I will try to keep up the blogging as frequently as possible. It's just so hard to break away from this wonderful life worth living sometimes and jump on a computer.

Until next time,

Lotus flower hugs and sunbeam kisses.

-DW 

I love Mae Sot. Day 1 & 2

My last day in Bangkok made me eager. I was eager to get out of the industrial, high rise, fast-paced buzz of the city and explore the slower pace of less urban cities.

Edie was off running errands and buying a canon 1200D which is what I had used to shoot all throughout my MFA! I told her that when she got it I'd give her a tutorial : ) She has been teaching me what she knows of Thai and we both have been exchanging knowledge and experience. It's a great space of giving and receiving.

I did some running around myself. Posted some letters and walked around snapping photos. I found myself at HUGO bar and eatery for dinner and the bar man seated me and helped me order a vegan meal. He spoke beautiful English. He told me he wasn't Thai. He was born in Myanmar and grew up in a refugee camp up north. He learned English in the Refugee camps. I told him I was heading to Mae Sot on the overnight bus and he said that's near where his refugee camp was.

We talked of dreams. He dreamt of being a boxer when he was younger. And moving to USA to study and work. I told him my experiences of the states, but to never lose his own ideals and dreams. I hate talking about my reality in the States sometimes to people who look so highly of it. I just have a feeling in the pit of my stomach that if they were to arrive and live there, they too would feel the disappointment that I have felt. The streets are not paved with gold. The laws not in your corner--unless born into the privileged white male body--the values corrupt and the idea of an 'American Dream' a farce. But I enjoyed my conversation with him as I drank my Margarita, enjoyed the tomato bruschetta, picked at my fries and scarfed my vegan burger down.

I was sad to leave him and our bar talk, but I had to go back to the couchsurfing condo to meet Edie and pack my bags for the long trip. 

Edie and I headed to the bus terminal once our (MANY) bags were packed and we ordered our tickets to Mae Sot. The bus didn't leave until 11:56pm. What an odd departure time.

We had over an hour to kill. The bus terminal was a place where hopes and dreams go to die.

It was hot. It was pungent. People laid out on seats, dirty and without shoes. Babies in diapers and barefoot ran around screaming for attention. I tried to find a plug to charge my dying phone, but an officer screamed, "NO FREE CHARGE" at me and shook his fingers; which made me scurry back to my seat next to Edie.

Time ticked on. People came and went. This place made the greyhound bus stations look like premier first class travel.

It was time.

We lined up at gate 12 and threw our rucksacks on the bus hold then made our way up some steps to the top of the bus. We sat right by the front window.

I'm not sure if from sleep deprivation or what, but Edie and I sat chatting for hours, laughing, joking, sharing. We were in a dark bubble of bliss to start our next adventure.

As Edie nodded off to sleep I sat, reclined staring out the glass in front of me. The street signs, lights, and neon paint whizzed by. I tried not to blink. I felt like I was in a vortex. The street kept coming at me in the pitch blackness. The silhouette of giant trees and roadside shacks blurred past.

I began to smile. My smile stretched so tightly across my face, my eyes were getting smaller from the pressure of my cheeks. I began to think of my life. Images of California, moments with friends, quotes from poignant conversations. It was as if my life was passing before my eyes. I felt ecstasy. My smile stretched wider. How cool was this life I'm living? How blessed for the lives I've lived? 

I smiled through memories of bad times, tough times, scary times. Those were all beautiful moments that helped get me to that point right there. On the top of a moroon bus, next to Edie, staring out onto the blackness.

I awoke hours later to bright lights and a screeching halt. We arrived at a van terminal. Edie and I shook from delirium, rubbed our eyes and hopped off the bus.

After buying a van ticket, we squeezed onto another 15-seater white van and stared bleerily out the windows. It would be another hour and  a half before we reached Mae Sot.

But the view! It was a little after 6am and the sun had broken the skies. I strained my eyes to see that we were completely surrounded by lush jungle and mountain peaks. I mean SERIOUS mountains! The view made my voice lock up in my throat. I wanted to cry from the beauty. 

but I stared.

Sun streams through giant jungle palms. Winding roads. Roadside huts. The mountain valleys had a low hanging fog. Whispy and opaque. The clouds hung low like little white cotton balls in a child's dreams. The sky shone purples and oranges and yellows and pinks.

Is this Zion?

We rode on, bodies moving involuntarily with the bumps in the road. We finally reached a little stop that said Mae Sot. We rolled out of the van, aching for sleep. An adorable boy who I thought was a girl in an army Junior uniform asked us where we were going in english. We told him the T.House Hostel. He tried to help us get a motorcycle taxi and my heart leapt at the idea of riding my first bike out here...but then we realized all of our bags surely wouldn't fit. 

So we decided to walk.

30 minutes on dusty road. Cars and trucks honking at the two foreigners with backpacks on our fronts and backs. My shoulders began to ache from the weight. I could feel my muscles ripping. My body drenched from sweat. Legs shaking from the past 10 hours of being in a seated position.

We arrived at the hostel. We paid and the women at the desk told us they would carry our bags up the three flights of stairs to our room. My bag was bigger than the woman carrying mine. I wanted to laugh or take a photo...but my soul was tired.

We crashed. After showers we slept for a good 6 hours. We both woke up a bit confused and STARVING!

I looked up veg or vegan places to eat and found a place called Borderline cafe and Gallery just a 10 minute walk away. 

The cafe was out of this world. Completely outside under a canopy, we sat on multicolored cushions on the floor at low tables. We ordered more than we thought we could eat and decided in advance to share everything. White rice, spring rolls, Burmese pakoras, samosa salad, potato fry with a spongey bread, lime and basil juice to quench our thirsts. 

It was divine. Everything tasted so fresh. We agreed to return tomorrow.

After exploring a little bit through town and taking photos together, we made it back to the hostel and slept.

***

Today we woke up and went for a run. It was 7am and blazing hot. the sun was high in the sky and the air thick with humidity from a heavy rainfall last night. Our run was a challenge in the busy streets, but I enjoyed seeing more of this village and heaven knows my body needed this workout!

We arrived back at the hostel and hung our clothes out on the porch to dry them of their sweat.

We showered. Back to Borderline cafe and Gallery! We ordered all new things this morning for breakfast. A Burmese bean dish with the spongey flatbread, rice, Ginger juice, lime juice, banana juice, Tea leaf salad, chickpeas. It was amazing. My tastebuds squealed with delight. 

As we forked bites into our mouths we talked of this past year. challenges, birthdays, lessons we've learned, positives. I liked this moment of reflection. It helped me to think about the year as a whole and how it helped to shape me today.

We talked of the Flint Michigan water crisis, housing disparities in NYC and Washington DC, the Chicago police brutality crisis and the crisis in America as a whole. The conversation made me think. Made me question where I fit into the equation. How could my life in my private sphere help to ease the suffering in the greater sphere of humanity.

We laid back on the floor matts. Eyes looking up to the bamboo roof. We lay like this after our meals. Wind rustling through the giant leaves and trees. I felt a calm. This eatery was zen. It's not often you can laydown after a meal in public. 

We slowly wiggled our fingers and toes and rejoined the real world. Time to get some money from an ATM, pay and head out. We want to go to a Hilltribe Market, maybe visit a Wat--that's Temple in Thai--and ride the bicycles that the hostel offers for guests. 

I am taking a break from my day to write this post and will fill you in on the rest when I return from my daytime adventures.

Full bellies and sweat-stained shirts,

-DW

We danced until our hips ached; and then we danced some more.

Saturday had arrived. The day of the Sofital Hotel Beach party.

Edie and I awoke, the room empty. Chloe left with Goy and Ning in the morning to do more work at the Sunset Hua Hin and hit the beach.

Edie and I went for another run. We ran through a local street fair market. We weaved in and out of stalls, panting, smelling the food, eyeing the bounty. We made a note to come back after our showers so that We could find stuff to wear to the beach party later.

Feet on pavement. This our meditation.

We ran back home. We sat on the veranda, cooling down before our showers.

Once changed, we headed back to the market and I found a lovely green dress, casual, but doable for the beach party later.

I saw adorable baby clothes and booties and 'baby fever' set in. It's funny how little things remind me of my current state of single-ness. I put the booties down and shook it off. 

We eyed down more things, but then the skies opened up and a rumbling storm prompted us to get back to the beach house.

We got ready for our night. Goy, Ning and Chloe arrived and got ready too.

We piled in the car and headed for dinner. They ate at a vendors outside of a shop...there were no veg options. So I gracefully disappeared into the night and found GIANT restaurant up the street. Delicious spicy papaya salad, yummy rice and veg, and a whopping pina colada. I was in heaven. 

I walked back to meet them. We piled in the car and made our way down dark country winding roads to the Sofital hotel.

This place was intense. We arrived to blaring music. an electricity of anticipation in the air. The decorations to this building were larger than life. In the pitch blackness we saw massive figurines, the glow from long pools, elaborate stone walkways, and regal stairways.

We climbed our way to the back where the beach was and it was aas if MTV, P-Diddy and Lady Gaga had a beach party baby. 

Waiters and waitresses in uniform carried trays of drinks and snacks. Beckoning on the party-goers. Goy and Ning have a friend that work at the Sofital so we got the VIP treatment. Giant beanbags, long chairs and round tables were carried by servers onto the sand where we set up shop. Next a bucket of the crispiest, tastiest french fries and other snacks were delivered.

We all got Gin and Tonics on the house first round.

Dancing.

Laughing.

Sharing in space.

Bright lights.

Moon and star glow up above.

My heart raced.

This life is unreal.

More dancing, more drinks from buckets filled with booze and colorful straws.

Hours passed.

We were buzzing. 

The DJ played his last tune.

Time to go.

It was our last night in Hua Hin so when we got back to the beach house, Chloe, Edie and I put on our bikinis and headed for the sea. Tipsy and pitch blackness. Feet crunching on unknown surfaces. Soft sand. waves. warmth.

We floated. Sporadic french phrases and slow English.

The moon protecting us with her glow up above.

I have been surrounded by women during my trip here. I love this. My connection to the feminine was only scratched in Belfast. It continues here. I'm learning so much from these women; creators, entrepreneurs, lovers, fighters, bosses, athletes, writers, travelers. They all have a story to tell and me; blessed by their company.

That swim last night was magical. I felt anew.

and I thanked the sea gods up above for this life worth living. 

How blessed. How humbled.

-DW