When life gives you lemons, make fucking vegan lemon streudel!

So this post will be a reflective piece. No photos (I'm a busy woman ya'll...eventually I'll get around to posting new images, but for now I want to write and let some things out).

so the last post I made was before I was supposed to leave Belfast and head back to Thailand. In a strange twist of fate, my passport didn't return from the Thai embassy in London in time with my new visa, so I had to miss my flight and extend the trip in Belfast for another week and a half!

part of me was gutted and devastated for missing Songkran festival with Pat and his family, but part of me secretly knew the universe had something else in store. It wasn't time to leave just yet. It was too early and there was unfinished business in Belfast.

I of course did not budget for how expensive the trip to the west would be on my thai salary-savings, so I knew I had to get creative and make some money fast while in Belfast. I reached out to a good photography friend Joe Laverty and he brought me on to help shoot a wedding in Dublin! How fortuitous, how kind, how magical! I hadn't worked for my photography in ages and to be fair, it was quite intimidating, but also completely natural and invigorating!

I was able to sell some things on Gumtree and get some work in London as well to add to the finances. The UK is a special sort of place that can make you feel so helpless one moment, and then like a complete badass the next. 

I enjoyed having more time with Hannah and Corneilus and other friends that I hadn't expected to see. I spent the remainder of my time in Belfast reflecting. Thinking of the past, thinking of my present and setting plans for my future.

I reached out to a couple of people that I was really secretly painfully hoping would respond to my messages. But they did not. We all have our reasons. Our baggage. Our truth. Our side of a story. Our motivations. Our hurt. Our willingness to be open. I understood. Truly. This whole "meeting people where they are in life" exercise has really helped me to let go of the deep hurt and pain that I used to suffer from when things didn't go my way. The Thai people say 'sabai sabai' which is like the 'hakuna mattada' of their culture. and so I let it be. I believe that when we connect with people throughout our lives, there is always the structure of a bridge between the two people. Over time, the slats in the bridge or the stone or whatever material may break away over time, but the external structures of the bridge will forever remain. A few of my bridges are evergreen, covered in lush vegetation and brand new wooden slats the whole way across....and a couple of my bridges with people are the bare bones of rusted iron pieces. But the structures are still there. I used to hold onto the idea of working with people to rebuild the middle bits to meet them in the middle maybe sometime in the future, but where I am now in life, I'm just grateful for those rusted iron pieces that are out there somewhere. A relic. a reminder of what once was. Some people never make deep connections and therefore have no bridges. Even if abandoned and rotting away, I'm grateful for those bridges. 

I learned a lot more about myself and relationships during my time in Belfast. I saw friends in their relationships and it made me point a mirror on myself. I know what I want and I know what I don't want. I want equality. Full transparency. Independence. Commitment. Delight. Awe. I want to be the woman in a relationship that runs with wolves. Isn't afraid to barre my teeth and show my claws when things aren't just; but who knows when to put my defenses down in order to truly HEAR my partner. I don't think I've been a good listener in the past. I'm working on this.

I also want to be with a vegan man. I told a new friend about this at the hostel I'm currently staying at and he laughed at me. I didn't show it, but my heart broke. Why do people laugh or think it a BIG ask to want to find someone who truly GETS my core? of course I want other things in life besides veganism...I mean I've met some vegans who are quite frankly assholes haha. But it's a starting point. And I don't think I want to be in a place in life where I never get to experience that. I've been broken down from this last relationship and rebuilt into a new version of myself; which is exactly what I had wanted when I first came to Thailand. I'm learning to say "no" and be okay with being a little pickier with the people who I invite into my private life. 

so fast forward to a stressful airport trip from Europe back to Thailand! And here I am. In Chiang Mai! Hugh met me at the gate of his hostel and I ran and gave him a big hug. I missed the big goofball! In the few days I've been back over here, I've made fast and intense friendships, swapped travel stories, sent love beams into some beautiful souls and explored this familiarly new city. 

Hugh and I have a house now! well...sort of. 

we haven't moved in yet...but it's a proper HOUSE! with a HUGE yard that I plan to plant tons of veggies in, make a sister garden, hang a hammock on the mango tree and sit out the front porch to watch the sunrise. When Hugh and I went to look at the house it began to rain. thick, heat-beating rain that cut through the oppressive heat. We looked at each other simultaneously and felt the luck. "We'll take it." we said and the deal was struck.

So now here I am trying to get my affairs in order, sorting out furniture for the house, making plans to rent a car so we can trek back to Mae Sai and visit Pat and Hugh's landlady and get our things. I think a return to Mae sai will be lovely.

I visited the Dara Academy where I'll be working for the next year. I know teaching English isn't my career path or even close to what I want to be doing in the future, but a year saving up money and preparing for switching to full-time photography will be a LOT easier with this new job since the pay is better! The Dara Academy was magical. My new boss Martin greeted me at the gates and showed me around. I walked through the courtyard and the BIGGEST tree I've ever seen in my life rose several stories above us, a canopy blocking out the sky. I felt like I was in that movie Avatar...and I knew this was the place for me. I think the tree and I will become very familiar with each other this next year.

So. Thailand. May we have new memories, new challenges, new learning experiences, new thoughts, new feelings, new opportunities. I look forward to having visitors this time around. And honestly if anyone out there wants to visit, I'll have a spot waiting for you. Fresh veg in the garden, cushions on the floor, vegan food, a bomb housemate, music blaring and good times awaiting ;)

I'm happy I was able to go back to the places in the west that resonated with me because now I can truly see that I can never be and will never be the same woman that I was when I lived in those places. The life of a traveler is a special one. Intense, challenging, beautiful, completely unique from person to person. And I'm forever grateful for the choices I've made.

Have faith in what you are given and trust your gut because the answer has always been inside of us you know?

From my hostel with chickens, bunnies, dogs and a friendly porcupine, I'm sending you my love. I look forward to sharing this next chapter with you all. Continue doing what you love, be open to learning more about yourself and others, and may you find a moment in time where all you feel....is bliss.

-DW